I have been taking a course at Brandeis BOLLI on Playful writing. The following are 2 pieces I have recently completed. I hope you like them.
THE STORY OF DAVID AND BATHSHEBA
As told by David in his own words
In my time, there was no CNN or Fox news to report rumors and gossip 24/7 .In my day, gossip was initiated by busy bodies, and spread by word of mouth from generation to generation. Then, hundreds of years later these rumors and gossip were written down by some zealous religious men. They did a great job. The book they wrote is still a best seller. It’s called the Bible. For some people, the Bible is the sacred word of God, and every word is believed as gospel. However, these men had no idea of what really happened.
The fact is, I have been vilified in the Bible. Unfortunately, I was long dead when the Bible was written, and I never had the chance to tell my side of the story. I thank Irwin Garfinkle and BOLLI, (the Brandeis Osher Lifelong Institut for this opportunity.
I was king of Israel. According to the Bible stories, my Israeli army was busy fighting the Ammonites. That was true. We were often at war with them. When a country is at war, the writers of the Bible noted that the king was supposed to be leading the troops in battle, and they faulted me for not having done so. But the writers, based on gossip, speculated on the reasons why I was not with my troops: they speculated that I was having an affair with Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah.
What the gossips and rumor mongers didn’t know, was that I was bedridden for several days. I ached all over. I had chills and nausea. I vomited all my meals. If anyone had consulted my attendants or my physicians they would have learned that I was in no condition to lead my army in battle. Or for that matter, I was in no condition to carry on a sexual affair with the wife of one of my loyal officers. But the Gossips didn’t ask.
I actually thought I was going to die, but after several miserable days I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed. I wanted to stretch my legs and get a breath of fresh air, so I walked up to the patio on my rooftop, which overlooks the city of Jerusalem. It also happened to overlook the roof of the house next door to mine, a house owned by Uraih, the aide decamp to general Joab, who in my absence was leading the war against the Ammonites. Bathsheba was Uriah’s wife.
I had no intention of peeping, but as I was overlooking the cityscape of my beautiful Jerusalem, I happened to glance down on Uriah’s rooftop. and saw Bathsheba sunbathing without a stitch of closing on her body. . She was naked. Naked as she day she was born. Embarrassed at first, I looked away, but I was so taken with her beauty that I had to look again. Bathsheba saw me, and did nothing to cover her body. Indeed, she gave me a come hither smile. I was actually struck dumb . Quickly I turned away and returned to my rooms. I confess that I had fantasies about her, but I never had anything to do with her until after I learned that her husband Uriah died a hero’s death in battle during the siege of Rabbah, the capital city of the Ammonites.
Today, in the 21st century, most biblical scholars, other than the ultra orthodox Jews and born again Christians know that the Bible is not the word of God, and they have pointed out so many inconsistencies, that the book is now regarded by many as literature, or as an historical novel, with tons of good stuff on morality issues. Well, the scholars have a point. From my own experiences, I know there are a lot of mistakes, a lot of misinterpretations, and maybe some outright lying. The Biblical story of my affair with Bathsheba is libelous. I don’t know why authors of the Bible wanted to make me look so bad. Here’s what really happened.
I summoned Joab, my most trusted general, and sought his advice. He told me to follow the doctors’ orders, and that he could lead the army against the Ammonites. And, successfully, he did. Unfortunately, Uriah, one of his lieutenants, and the husband of Bathsheba, was killed in battle.
Now the Bible makes much ado about a letter I asked Uriah to deliver to Joab. The rumor mongers suggested that this letter ordered Joab to send Uriah into a death trap. It’s inconceivable that I would be so foolish to put such an order to writing, or that I would give the letter to the supposed victim. That letter contained my instructions concerning the
battle, and a prayer for victory.
Now the gossips started the rumor that I had an affair with Bathsheba while her husband was fighting heroically against the Ammonites, and that I wanted him killed. This rumor was an utter falsehood. I don’t deny, that while I was walking on my patio roof, I did see Bathsheba sunbathing. Did I lust? Her beautiful and enticing body was completely exposed. Yes, I lusted. After all, though I was a king, I was also a man
When Joab returned to Jerusalem, he reported to me the details of the glorious victory over the Ammonites and the successful siege of Rabbah. He also reported that his army suffered many casualties, including that of his lieutenant Uriah, who was felled with an arrow shot from the wall of the city. It was not until I learned of Uriah’s death, that I invited his widow to my harem, and took her for my wife. I soon found out that she was a conniving woman. Unbeknownst to me, Bathsheba was pregnant with Uriah’s child. The Bible writers claim it was my child. It wasn’t. I did not take Bathsheba to bed until I learned of Uriah’s untimely death. Prior to our marriage, I never had sex with that woman. But the high and mighty Nathan, my rabbi, a man who claimed to know God, pronounced me guilty.
The child was Uriah’s. When the infant died, Nathan and the rumor mongers took pleasure in claiming that this was God’s punishment for my sins. Nathan believed the gossip and he ranted and raved to me about sin and repentance.
Well, Nathan didn’t believe me. Nobody did, and now the Bible, without a trial, convicts me of adultery and perjury. Well, many great men in history have been convicted by rumor, gossip and the media, and their reputations are forever tarnished.
But I overcame. I created a great empire. My son Solomon carried on after me, and built a great temple. In addition, I am reputed to be the ancestor of Jesus, God’s son incarnate, the long awaited messiah. I can’t comment on that: I was long dead before that media event occurred. But if you believe the gossip about Bathsheba and me, I suppose you can believe that story, too.
Again, I want to thank Irwin and BOLLI for this opportunity to set the record straight.
Signed and sealed this 2nd day of November, 2011
David, King of Israel and JudeaØ
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
What Really Happened
We all know the story of the Three Little Pigs. When the three brothers were old enough to leave home, their mother gave them motherly advice. “Whatever you do, do it the best that you can because that’s the way to get ahead in the world”. She also warned them to be careful. “It’s a zoo out there, and the Big Bad Wolf is nothing but big trouble”. Well, only one of the little pigs followed their mother’s advice.
The first thing they had to do was to build a house, so that they would have a safe place to live. They decided to build their houses next to one another so that they wouldn’t be lonely. The first little pig built his house of straw. The second little pig built his house of sticks. Ah, but the third little pig, remembering what his mother said, built his house of bricks.
The Big Bad Wolf watched and waited, licking his chops as he thought about the nice meals he would have. You remember what happened next. The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and he blew down the straw house and then the stick house. Fortunately, two pigs were able to escape to their brother in the house of bricks.
The Big Bad Wolf was now very angry, and hungry as well, so he followed the two little pig to the brick house The Big Bad Wolf knocked at the door of the house of bricks and said “Let me in or I’ll blow your house down”. The three little pig said “No way. not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins.”
So the Big Bad Wolf took a deep breath and blew. And no matter how hard he huffed and puffed, the Big Bad Wolf couldn’t blow the brick house down. And the three little pigs laughed when the Big Bad Wolf had to lie down and rest from all that huffing and puffing. While the Big Bad Wolf was lying exhausted on the lawn in front of the brick house, the Three Little Pigs dialed 911 and the animal police came within minutes. They corralled the three little pigs and brought them back to the farm where they belonged. When they were nicely fattened, they were brought to The Swift Meat Packing Company, Inc. where the butchers made them into hams, sausages, bacon and pork chops for the dinner table.
And what, you ask, happened to the Big Bad Wolf? He was put on the endangered species list, and had been living happily roaming the woods. Unfortunately, for him, he ran into Little Red Riding Hood. He had his comeuppance when the woodsman saved Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.
And what happened to the woodsman who saved Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother? He was arrested, convicted, fined and sent to jail for killing an animal on the endangered species list.
But that’s not the end of the story. Red Riding Hood’s grandmother was so grateful to the woodsman that she made packages of sweets and fruits for Red Riding Hood to take to the Woodsman every visiting day. Before long, Red Riding Hood and the woodsman fell in love and planned to marry when he got out of jail. But the wedding was not to be.
One day, on the way home from the jail Red Riding Hood met Goldie Locks on the trail and they became good friends. Indeed they became intimate friends. When the woodsman read of their same sex marriage in the BOLLI Bulletin, he became very, very depressed, and while still in jail, he died of a broken heart.
So what is the moral of the story? I don’t know. Stuff Happens.
Irwin Garfinkle
11/12/2011
