GOLIATH
Irwin Garinkle March 17, 2011
Everyone knows the story about some shephard boy who killed me with his sling shot. But nobody knows much of anything about me. Well, I am going to set the record straight. I was not a bad guy. I was a good soldier. but the Bible tells the story only from the Israeli’s perspective. Well, here is my side of the story.
I was born in the Philistine city of Gath. Haven’t any idea of why my parents named me Goliath I don’t know of any ancesters with my name. The name Goliath may have Greek origins.
I never learned my exact birth date because my parents couldn’t read and write, but modern acheologists think I must have been born about 1030 BCE.. That’s strictly a guess, based on my encounter with the shepherd boy who later became king of Israel. Bur I’m getting ahead of my story.
My mother had a great deal of troubl birthing me. Although she gave birth to four boys before me, I was the biggest and caused her the most trouble. You see, I weighed over 10 pounds at birth, and my mother was just a little lady, We didn’t have doctors to help her, and Cecairian sections had not yet been invented. Mom almost died, and my Dad considered getting another wife. In those days, Philistine men could have as many wives as they could afford. But, we were poor, so Dad stuck with Mom.
All five of us boys were big and strong. Though I was the youngest, I grew bigger and taller than they. We used to wrestle a lot, and by the time I was 16, I could beat them all, one at a time, of course..
People exaggerate about how big and strong I was. According to the gossip, I was over 10 feet tall. That wasn’t true, but I was well over 6 feet, maybe 6 feet 8 inches. That was especially big in those days, when the average height was around five and a half feet. I was an imposing 295 pounds, not a giant, though some people thought so. The picture of the kid and me does not tell the truth. The kid was bigger, and I was no giant. That picture is Jewish propaganda, and I resent it.
Though most of the people survived as fishermen, and trading, my father was a tenant farmer who worked very hard to raise enough sheep and goats to pay his rent to the landowner, leaving barely enough to feed his family, but we managed. Because we were poor, I never got an education and so I never learned to read or write. Just like my four older brothers, I went to work in the fields when I was 6 years old.
Able bodied boys, no more than 10 years old were conscrited into the Philistine army, which was always at war with some country. My brothers were already in the army when I was conscripted. Today we would be known as “boy soldiers”. The older soldies were really tough guys who’d been through several wars. They gave all of us a hard time. Although life for a young soldier was very unpleasant, the army taught me all I needed to know about killing the enemy. I was 12 years old when I killed my first Israeli soldier. I killed a lot more since then.
Even today, the archeologists don’t know much about the Philistines, but I can tell they had all kinds of training designed to make you into an efficient killer. We studies all the marshall arts. I enjoyed boxing and wresling, archery and spear throwing. I didn’t enjoy the duels between two men in a no-holds-barred fight to the death. I actually had to kill some of my friends. I had to, or I woulf have been killed by them. And that’s how I became the Champion of the Philistines. I was the biggest and best fighter of all. I was very proud of myself.
You got some good rewards for being Champion. For one thing you got to be an officer in the army. Today, that might be considered a warrant officer, a rank of great respect. You got good quarters to live in, lots of good food and wine, and you won’t believe this, a personal trainer to keep me fit. I was always supplied with women slaves who took care of all ones needs. I married one of them, and she gave me two sons. Because I was the Philistine champion, I was able to get them into a school where they graduated with high honors. They later became embassadors to the king and traveled all over the known world. They became gofers for the king, not like me, a gofer for ruffian soldiers.
My wife spent a great deal of time traveling with her sons, and after I died, they arranged for her to settle in Greece, where she lived to a ripe old age.
Now the Israelites were really bothersome to the Philistines.. For years we had many small wars with tnem. The battles always ended with nothing ever being settled. My job during these wars was to protect the backs of the Philistine officers. I didn’t do it alone. I had the help of my four brothers. We did a good job. We never lost an officer, but two of my brothers were seriously wounded by Israeli arrows. You may not believe this, but they got special medical attention from Israeli doctors. Those Israili doctors really know how to deal with these injuries and they actually helped a lot of our guys. After several months in an Israeli medical camp, my brothers were returned to duty in time to face the Israelis once more. Our doctors wouldn’t have helped the enemy like that.
I was in my tent discussing the forthcoming war with Israel when I was summoned to the general’s tent. There must have been 10 big shots in there when I arrived. I was surprised to see Israeli officers among them under a flag of truce. I didn’t know that sometimes opposing armies with different gods had “Battles by Champions”. I was never told that that was one of my jobs. I had always assumed that my champion’s job was to protect the generals, you know, like the secret service protects the American presidents. However, it seems that the Israeli and Philistine generals agreed to do battle by champions.
I, Goliath, was the "champion" of the Philistines. I was given the job of proving that the Philistine gods were greater than the Israeli gods. I didn’t know that battling an Israeli was part of my job description. I didn’t know anything about such traditions. I didn’t know that in the ancient near east, it was common for opposing forces, with different gods, to have "battle by champions." It was the belief that these champions were surrogates for the their respective gods. So, when champions faced one another in battle it was much more than a duel to the death, it was literally viewed as a battle of gods. Well, I was a fighter. I wasn’t religious. But now I was supposed to fight as a god.
The Israelites had never engaged in Battles Of Champions, and apparently they had trouble finding a champion. Twice a day, for 40 days, I showed up on the battle field to challenge the Israeli’s champion. None of the Israelites were willing to face me. They must have been scared stiff because I may have looked like a giant, especially seeing me dressed in armor. I yelled at them. I called them yellow-bellied cowards without backbones. I taunted them with catcalls.
Well, out of nowhere on the 40th appears this runt of a kid, a shepherd boy, no older than my youngest son, and a lot smaller. He wore no armor and had no sword or spear. The whole Israeli army was in battle formation behind him, and the Philistine army was lined up behind me. I couldn’t believe the Israelis would send a boy to do a man’s job.
“What do you think you are doing here”, I shrieked. “Get your butt out of here, I’m a champion. I don’t fight boys”. I took off my helmet, and while I was still trying to get rid of him he suckered me with a sling shot to my head. I went down hard. In a second, the kid was on me, and with my own sword, with my own sword, damn him. he cut off my head. To add insult to injury, he kept my head as a prize for the Israelis.
In retrospect, I have to admit it. That was some kid. Just a shepherd boy, but he had a lot of guts to face me. And he was really smart. Yes, he suckered me, but he won the Battle of Champions for the Israelis. As I understand it, he later succeeded the Israeli King Saul. The kid became King David. Everybody remembers him as a great king. Nobody remembers me, except as a bad guy and ogre. I wasn’t. I was just doing my job. And except for that sneaky kid, I would have been a great Philistine hero.
