IF NOT NOW

IF NOT NOW

 Hey! I was 88 last May

That’s quite old I’m told

I didn’t think I was old

The years crept up

What a surprise

A few aches and pains

I’m not complaining

I know the alternative

The Reaper is waiting

Let him wait

I’m not waiting for him

I remember the past.

I remember loved ones loved and loved ones lost

I remember good times and bad times

I have precious memories

But life is now

If not now,

When?

TWENTY-TWO YEARS

TWENTY-TWO YEARS  

She was  sexy and pretty

Just turned 56
Nine and a half years my junior.
Was I too old for her?
Her mother thought so.

Had a boat in Marblehead Harbor

A house on Tidewinds Terrace
National salesman for Sundance
I was smitten!

For 22 years we’ve been together
She loves the country roads in Carlisle
Still has her Marblehead mooring
Plays tennis three time a week
Delivers meals to old folks
Enjoys Bolli and Book Club
Still  sexy and pretty at 78
And she takes care of me.

I have two questions.

Does she love me?
I hope so.
Do I love her?
After 22 years, I guess I do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Your loving fondler

Irwin

RESPONSIBILITY

AUNT CHARLOTTE’S 90^TH  YEAR

 

RESPONSIBILITY!

Who’s responsible?

Aunt Charlotte is.

She should have known.

She should have warned.
Why didn’t she tell?
She should have told
It’s too late now.
Twenty-two years ate
Who’s responsible?
Aunt Charlotte is.

I gave her clues
When we spoke on the phone
Twenty-two years ago
But she gave me her number anyhow.
Now twenty-two years too late.
Who’s responsible for those twenty-two years?
 Twenty-two years of happiness
Twenty-years togetherness
Twenty-two years unwedded bliss.
Aunt Charlotte is.

 Leona and Irwin thank Aunt Charlotte

For those wonderful twenty-two years
We know who’s responsible
Aunt Charlotte is.

Who’s celebrating her 90^th birthday?
Aunt Charlotte is.
Happy 90^th birthday wishes
With all our love

Leona and Irwin.

AN EPIC ADVENTURE

This is a rewrite of an earlier post about the three little pigs.

We all know the story of the Three Little Pigs.  When the three brothers were old enough to leave home, their mother gave them motherly advice.   “Whatever you do, do it the best that you can because that’s the way to get ahead in the world”.  She also warned them to be careful.  “It’s a zoo out there, and the Big Bad Wolf is nothing but big trouble”. Well, only one of the little pigs followed their mother’s advice.

 

The first thing they had to do was to build a house, so that they would have a safe place to live.  They decided to build their houses next to one another so that they wouldn’t be lonely.  The first little pig built his house of straw.  The second little pig built his house of sticks.    Ah, but the third little pig, remembering what his mother said, built his house of bricks.

 

The Big Bad Wolf watched and waited, licking his chops as he thought about the nice meals he would have.  You remember what happened next.  The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and he blew down the straw house and then the stick house.  Fortunately, two pigs were able to escape to their brother in the house of bricks.

 

The Big Bad Wolf was now very angry and hungry as well, so he followed the two little pigs to the brick house   The Big Bad Wolf knocked at the door of the house of bricks and said “Let me in or I’ll blow your house down”.  The three little pig said “No way. Jose, not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins.”

 

So the Big Bad Wolf took a deep breath and blew.  And no matter how hard he huffed and puffed, the Big Bad Wolf couldn’t blow the brick house down.  And the three little pigs laughed when the Big Bad Wolf had to lie down and rest from all that huffing and puffing. While the Big Bad Wolf was lying exhausted on the lawn in front of the brick house, the Three Little Pigs dialed 911 and the animal police came within minutes.  They corralled the three little pigs and brought them back to the farm where they belonged.  When they were nicely fattened, they were brought to The Swift Meat Packing Company, Inc. where the butchers made them into hams, sausages, bacon and pork chops for the dinner table.

 

And what, you ask, happened to the Big Bad Wolf?  He was put on the endangered species list, and had been living happily roaming and raising havoc in the woods.  Unfortunately, for him, he ran into Little Red Riding Hood.  He had his comeuppance when the Woody Woodsman saved Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.

 

And what happened to Woody Woodsman who saved Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother?  He was arrested, convicted, fined and sent to jail for killing an animal on the endangered species list.

 

But that’s not the end of the story.  Red Riding Hood’s

grandmother was so grateful to the Woody that she made packages of sweets and fruits for Red Riding Hood to take to him every visiting day.  Before long, Red Riding Hood and Woody fell in love and planned to marry when he got out of jail.  But the wedding was not to be.

 

One day, on the way home from the jail Red Riding Hood met Goldie Locks on the trail and they became good friends.  Indeed they became intimate friends.  When their same sex marriage was reported in the Boston Globe and the BOLLI Bulletin, he was very upset.

 

When Woody got out of jail he went to pay a visit to Grandma to thank her for the care packages that Red Riding Hood brought to him.  When he arrived at the cottage he knocked at the door, and was admitted by a man he had not met before.  “Robin, who is at the door?” called Grandma from her bedroom.  She was still recovering from her ordeal with the Big Bad Wolf, and spent most of her days resting in bed.

 

“It is I, Grandma, Woody Woodsman who saved you and Red Riding Hood from the Big Bad Wolf” answered the Woodsman,

 

“Oh, Robin, show the nice man in.  Robin, this is the Woody Woodsman who saved Riding Hood and me.  And Woody, this is Riding Hood’s father, my son, Robin Hood.”  

 

“I heard about you while I was in jail.  I heard that the sheriff has spent a great deal of time trying to capture you.  He is offering a big reward. The sheriff says you rob the rich, but don’t give any of the loot to the poor.  He says you are as corrupt as a politician”, said Woody, “but none of us believed what the sheriff said. We figured he was the most corrupt politician of all”.

 

“Well”. said Robin, “there’s some truth in what you might have heard in jail. You know there are expenses.  My merry men have to be paid, and the cost of arrows is now almost prohibitive, and Maid Marion does require expensive entertaining, so it’s true that the poor don’t get all of the proceeds, but a few of my best poor friends do benefit.”

 

“Yes, I understand”, said Woody.

 

“My mother says you swing a mighty axe, and that you handily offed the Big Bad Wolf.  I could use an axe man in my group.  With your criminal record, you may find it hard to get a job, especially in this recession economy.  Would you care to join my group of Merry Men?’ Robin asked.  “The pay is pretty good, and I know you will fit in with the rest of the rascals.  What do you say?”

 

“I’m not sure Robin.  I’ve never been an outlaw.  I killed the wolf only to save Red Riding Hood and your mother.  It was justifiable homicide, but those liberal judges on the court care more about a mean animal on the endangered species list, that about a do good citizen.  I heard that the wolf had blown down two houses and tried to blow down a third, but it was made of bricks and he couldn’t do it.  Then he attacked your mother and Red Riding Hood.”

 

“Speaking of Red Riding Hood”, Robin interrupted, “I know she broke your heart, and I am very upset about my daughter having a wife.  That’s weird.  Neither she nor Goldilocks will be welcomed by my Merry Men.”

 

“Oh, Robin”, broke in Grandma Hood, Red Riding Hood is your only daughter and my only granddaughter.  She and Goldilocks will always be welcome in my home.

 

“Enough talk of my mixed up daughter.  I hope she and Goldilocks will be happy.  But how about you Woody”. Robin asked, “would you like to try out a week or two with my Merry Men to see if you like the outlaw life?”

 

“Okay Robin, I’ll try it for a week or two.”

 

Grandma Hood made a nice dinner of lamb chops, potatoes and a tossed salad for Robin and Woody.  After dinner, Robin and Woody road off, Woody sitting behind Robin on Robin’s magnificent steed (Woody had no horse of his own), and they headed for Sherwood Forrest, where the Merry Men were camping.

 

When they approached the camp, they were greeted by Friar Tuck and Little John.  Friar Tuck had been a religious Christian all his life, but when he joined Robin and the Merry Men, he converted.  He became a Born Again atheist, but he still wore his church robes, and the Merry Men still called him Friar.  Little John was not little.  He was huge.  Robin introduced Woody to Friar Tuck and Little John, and they entered the camp where all the Merry Men were acting very merry.  Yes, they were rollicking and frolicking all around the camp with the Merry Girls who were the rollicking and frolicking local camp followers.  It was all very spirited, merry and gay.  A very good time was being had by all.

 

“Robin”, said Tuck, “y’all be happy to know that Maid Marion is in camp, and she brought with her your daughter and another girl, a pretty blond, blue eyed damsel called Goldilocks.  She’s really pretty as a button”  Then pointing into  the camp, Tuck called out, “There they are rollicking and frolicking and having a gay old time near the camp fire where the pig with the apple in its mouth is being roasted for tonight’s dinner.”

 

Robin was furious.  “I don’t want my daughter or her dyke in my camp.  Tuck, tell ‘em to get outta here now.”

 

“But Robin ….”

 

“I said NOW”, Robin ordered.

 

Tuck, who always follows orders interrupted the girls rollicking and frolicking and told them what Robin ordered.  Well, they weren’t very happy about that, but Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks agreed to go.  But Maid Marion said, “You tell Robin that if Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks go, I’m going with them”.

 

Tuck reported the situation to Robin who thought, “What a revolting situation this is.  Maid Marion is my beloved affianced.  I don’t want to lose her.  Yet I can’t tolerate my daughter living with the dyke”.  Then he questioned Tuck, “Tuck, my daughter was supposed to marry Woody and she ditched him for that bitch of a dyke.  If I don’t condone what she has done, I may lose my love, Maid Marion.  What shall I do?”

“That is a dilemma”, tuck answered. “Have you talked to your mother about this”?

 

“Yes, she’s says Red Riding is my daughter, and I should love her no matter what.  But marrying that dyke, Goldilocks. is just too much.  I never thought much of her, the way she treated the three bears and never apologized”.

 

“Well, Robin”, Tuck asked, “what shall I tell them?  Shall I have someone take them home?”

 

“No.  Let them stay for dinner while I think about it”.

 

When Tuck told the three girls to stay for dinner, Maid Marion came over to Robin and thanked him for his thoughtfulness.  She also tried to convince Robin to accept Red Riding and Goldilocks for what they are.  “After all, Robin, this isn’t the 15^th century any more.  You have to get with it.”   Pointing to Woody, she asked, “And who is this handsome hunk?”

 

Robin told her the story of how Woody saved Grandma Hood and Red Riding, and how Red Riding and Woody were planning to marry, “until that bitch, Goldilocks”, seduced his only daughter.

 

“Oh, Robin, Goldilocks is a nice girl.  Lesbians aren’t bad people.  Red Riding and Goldilocks love one another.  They can’t help being what they are.   You’ve got to understand.”

 

“Well, I don’t understand, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.  Woody, can you take Maid Marion home?  I have to stay here and talk to Red Riding and Goldilocks.”

 

“Of course, Robin, I’d be delighted”, agreed Woody.

 

When Woody and Maid Marion arrived at her home, Woody walked her to the front door and when he said goodnight and turned to leave, Maid Marion asked if he’d like to come in for a night cap.  “I’d like to, but I’m not sure Robin would approve”.

 

“Oh Robin won’t mind, it’s only a nightcap, and besides Robin doesn’t own me yet.  C’mon in”.  She took him by the hand and led him into her parlor.  They had a nightcap, and then another, and then another, and one thing led to another.  They were in love.

 

Robin was upset when he learned that Woody and Main Marion were betrothed, but he said “What is, is, and what will be, will be” and wished the couple well.  In the meantime, the sheriff of Notingham resigned as the result of a Ponzi scandal. He moved to Switzerland where he had stashed his ill begotten gains. He managed to live quite comfortably. Woody was elected as the new sheriff. 

 

In America, Wyatt Earp had resigned as U. S. marshall, and Robin was emailed an offer he couldn’t refuse, the job of U.S. Marshall.  He promptly emailed his acceptance, left Nottingham and sailed to America.  He took the Acela train to Tombstone, where he took over Wyatt Earp’s job. Since Wyatt had cleaned up Tombstone, and Pat Garret shot Billy the Kid, there wasn’t very much for Robin to do but rollick and frolic with the girls in the Tombstone saloons.  He was a very happy bachelor.

 

All things considered, everything worked out well.  Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks are happy together.  Woody and Maid Marion are happily married, and a child is on the way. The Merry Men are Woody’s deputies, and Robin has a great job in Tombstone. 

 

And so it can be said (except for the three Little pigs and the Big Bad Wolf), everyone lived happily ever after.  And isn’t that just the way a fairy tale should end?

It was scary.  I had a fever.  I was shivering. I fell, and I couldn't get up.  Well, I figure that experience was worthy of a memoir or a poem, and I had fun writing the following:

WHAT HAPPENED?

There’s a TV commercial
About the lady who’s fallen
And can’t get up
It’s no joke
I’m a macho man
Worked in the garden
Weeded, mowed and mulched
Did I overdo?
 I was tired, but I felt good
Little did I know
I’d soon fall
 And couldn’t get up.

My balance has been a problem
I was told to use a cane
No, not me, the macho man
Didn’t need a cane
Until Tuesday, the 5^th of June
 I was running a fever
One hundred two point 5
I was stumbling
Almost falling
It was scary

The doctors ran tests
EKG, blood, urine, chest x-ray
Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera
With so much attention
I felt better
My temp was normal
Until later that evening
It was up again
I was stumbling again
Called the doctor
No house calls
So off to the Emerson ER
 Previous tests were duplicated
A few more added
No medical conclusions
But the night was not a total loss.
We watched TV from an ER bed
The Boston Celtics Beat the Miami Heat
To lead 3 to 2 in the championship series.
The Celtics could win the series in game 6
With the Celtic’s win
And all the attention at the ER
I felt  good. 
Had a good night
Wednesday took it easy
Watched the Red Sox
At ten pm
The chills again
Shook all over
Got under the blankets
The shivering stopped

Now here’s where I have to be creative

I don’t remember the sequence
Got up to pee, I think I made it dry
On the way to bed,
Shivered Uncontrollably
Tried to plop into bed
Missed it
Landed on the floor
Couldn’t believe it
Unhurt, but
I couldn’t get up.
Couldn’t get on my knees
Couldn’t push up.
Leona helped to no avail
So I slept on the floor

Thursday morning
No problem
I was OK
I just got up
Spent a restful day
Watched the Celtics routed
Series tied at 3
Wait till game seven
Or till next year.

Check up at the doctor’s office
Maybe a bug
Taking antibiotics
We’ll see.
No more chills
No more stumbling
Feeling better
Game 7
The Celtics lost
Maybe next year
I think I’ll make it
Not sure about the Celtics.

Mitt Romney

I know politions don't alway tell the truth.  I know poltitions change their minds, sometimes honestly.  An intelligent person will admit his mistakes and go on.  It may be a flip/flop, an "evolving" or a political expedient to satisfy a constituency.

 But, when Mitt Romney didn't remember his leadership role in the terrible beating of a gay classmate in prep school, that was an outright lie.  One doesn't forget such an experience.  Romney's classmates didn't forget.  His classmates remembered, with regret for their own participation or failure to intervene.  Yes, boys will be boys, and Romney can be forgiven for youthful indiscretions, but not for lying about it now.

I'm not voting for Romney because of the issues.  But his lying about not remembering, confirms that he is not fit to be president of the United States.

The truth is finally out.

I’M NO POET, I KNOW IT

They
Tell me I can write
Well, surely I’ve tried
I’ve written poems
 Memoirs, short stories
Nothing to crow about
I know it
They know it, too.

I’m can do some things well

I can split infinitives.
Dangle a participle
End sentences with a preposition
And when absolutely positive,
Write a double negative
I don’t know what road I’m on
Much less the road not taken
So, tell me
 Why do I write?

I was wondering.  How come America has been in so many wars.   It's a puszzlement to me.

WAR AND PEACE

Tolstoy wrote about Napoleon

An evil war mongering aggressor

I wonder what Tolstoy would write about America

Is American an evil war mongering aggressor

Of course not!

 Americans are peace loving people

America is a peace loving Nation

And yet, America has be in so many wars

The war for Independence

The war of 1812, the Mexican wars

The Indian wars, the war between the states

 The Spanish-American wars

World War I, the war to end war.

World War II, the Korean War, The war in Viet Nam

The never ending wars in Iraq and Afghanistan

Little wars in Granada, Panama, Somalia

 Lebanon, Haiti, Bosnia, Kosovo, Libya

What might Tolstoy ask?

Are Americans are a peace loving people?

Is America is a peace loving nation?

The Three Little Pigs and Robin Hood

This is a sequel to the Three Little Pigs.  I've taken the liberty of resurecting the Woodsman.

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS and Robin Hood

What Really Happened

We all know the story of the Three Little Pigs.  When the three brothers were old enough to leave home, their mother gave them motherly advice.   “Whatever you do, do it the best that you can because that’s the way to get ahead in the world”.  She also warned them to be careful.  “It’s a zoo out there, and the Big Bad Wolf is nothing but big trouble”. Well, only one of the little pigs followed their mother’s advice.

The first thing they had to do was to build a house, so that they would have a safe place to live.  They decided to build their houses next to one another so that they wouldn’t be lonely.  The first little pig built his house of straw.  The second little pig built his house of sticks.    Ah, but the third little pig, remembering what his mother said, built his house of bricks.

The Big Bad Wolf watched and waited, licking his chops as he thought about the nice meals he would have.  You remember what happened next.  The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and he blew down the straw house and then the stick house.  Fortunately, two pigs were able to escape to their brother in the house of bricks.

The Big Bad Wolf was now very angry, and hungry as well, so he followed the two little pig to the brick house   The Big Bad Wolf knocked at the door of the house of bricks and said “Let me in or I’ll blow your house down”.  The three little pig said “No way. not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins.”

So the Big Bad Wolf took a deep breath and blew.  And no matter how hard he huffed and puffed, the Big Bad Wolf couldn’t blow the brick house down.  And the three little pigs laughed when the Big Bad Wolf had to lie down and rest from all that huffing and puffing. While the Big Bad Wolf was lying exhausted on the lawn in front of the brick house, the Three Little Pigs dialed 911 and the animal police came within minutes.  They corralled the three little pigs and brought them back to the farm where they belonged.  When they were nicely fattened, they were brought to The Swift Meat Packing Company, Inc. where the butchers made them into hams, sausages, bacon and pork chops for the dinner table.

And what, you ask, happened to the Big Bad Wolf?  He was put on the endangered species list, and had been living happily roaming the woods.  Unfortunately, for him, he ran into Little Red Riding Hood.  He had his comeuppance when the woodsman saved Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.

And what happened to the woodsman who saved Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother?  He was arrested, convicted, fined and sent to jail for killing an animal on the endangered species list.

But that’s not the end of the story.  Red Riding Hood’s grandmother was so grateful to the woodsman that she made packages of sweets and fruits for Red Riding Hood to take to the Woodsman every visiting day.  Before long, Red Riding Hood and the woodsman fell in love and planned to marry when he got out of jail.  But the wedding was not to be.

One day, on the way home from the jail Red Riding Hood met Goldie Locks on the trail and they became good friends.  Indeed they became intimate friends.  When the woodsman read of their same sex marriage in the BOLLI Bulletin, he became very, very depressed, but with the help of the prison psychiatrist he felt much better.

When he got out of jail he decided to pay a visit to Grandma to thank her for the care packages that Red Riding Hood brought to him.  When he arrived at the cottage he knocked at the door, and was admitted by a man he had not met before.  “Robin, who is at the door?” called Grandma from her bedroom.  She was still recovering from her ordeal with the Big Bad Wolf, and spent most of her days resting in bed.

“It is I, Grandma, the Woody Woodsman who saved you and Red Riding Hood from the Big Bad Wolf” answered the Woodsman,

“Oh, Robin, show the nice man in.  Robin, this is the Woody Woodsman who saved Riding Hood and me.  And Woody, this is Riding Hood’s father, my son, Robin Hood.”  

“I heard all about you while I was in jail.  The sheriff has spent a great deal of time trying to capture you.  He is offering a big reward. The sheriff says you rob the rich, but don’t give any of the loot to the poor.  He says you are as corrupt as a politician”, said the Woody, “but none of us believe what the sheriff said”.

“Well”. said Robin, “you know there are expenses.  My merry men have to be paid, and the cost of arrows is now almost prohibitive, and Maid Marion does require expensive entertaining, so it’s true that the poor don’t get all of the proceeds, but a few of my best poor friends do benefit.”

“Yes, I understand”, said the Woodsman.

“My mother says you swing a mighty axe, and that you handily offed the Big Bad Wolf.  I could use an axe man in my group.  With your criminal record, you may find it hard to get a job, especially in this recession economy.  Would you care to join my group of Merry Men?’ Robin asked.  The pay is pretty good, and I know you will fit in with the rest of the rascals.  What do you say?

“I’m not sure Robin.  I’ve never been an outlaw.  I killed the wolf only to save Red Riding Hood and your mother.  It was justifiable homicide, but those liberal judges on the court care more about a mean animal on the endangered species list, that about a do good citizen.  I hear that the wolf had blown down two houses and tried to blow down a third, but it was made of bricks and he couldn’t do it.  Then he attacked your mother and Red Riding Hood.”

“Speaking of Red Riding Hood”, Robin interrupted, “I know she broke your heart, and I am very upset about my daughter having a wife.  That’s weird.  Neither she nor Goldilocks will be welcomed by my Merry Men.”

“Oh, Robin”, broke in Grandmad Hood, Red Riding Hood is you daughter and my only granddaughter.  She and Golfilocks will always be welcome in my home. 

Whatever Is.

A bit of philosophy

WHATEVER IS

Whatever it is, it is.

Whatever it isn't, it isn't

Believing doesn't make it so.

Not believing doesn't make it not so.

Whatever is, is

Isn't that so?

TWO PLAYFUL STORIES

I have been taking a course at Brandeis BOLLI on Playful writing. The following are 2 pieces I have recently completed. I hope you like them.

THE STORY OF DAVID AND BATHSHEBA

As told by David in his own words

In my time, there was no CNN or Fox news to report rumors and gossip 24/7 .In my day, gossip was initiated by busy bodies, and spread by word of mouth from generation to generation. Then, hundreds of years later these rumors and gossip were written down by some zealous religious men. They did a great job. The book they wrote is still a best seller. It’s called the Bible. For some people, the Bible is the sacred word of God, and every word is believed as gospel. However, these men had no idea of what really happened.

The fact is, I have been vilified in the Bible. Unfortunately, I was long dead when the Bible was written, and I never had the chance to tell my side of the story. I thank Irwin Garfinkle and BOLLI, (the Brandeis Osher Lifelong Institut for this opportunity.

I was king of Israel. According to the Bible stories, my Israeli army was busy fighting the Ammonites. That was true. We were often at war with them. When a country is at war, the writers of the Bible noted that the king was supposed to be leading the troops in battle, and they faulted me for not having done so. But the writers, based on gossip, speculated on the reasons why I was not with my troops: they speculated that I was having an affair with Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah.

What the gossips and rumor mongers didn’t know, was that I was bedridden for several days. I ached all over. I had chills and nausea. I vomited all my meals. If anyone had consulted my attendants or my physicians they would have learned that I was in no condition to lead my army in battle. Or for that matter, I was in no condition to carry on a sexual affair with the wife of one of my loyal officers. But the Gossips didn’t ask.

I actually thought I was going to die, but after several miserable days I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed. I wanted to stretch my legs and get a breath of fresh air, so I walked up to the patio on my rooftop, which overlooks the city of Jerusalem. It also happened to overlook the roof of the house next door to mine, a house owned by Uraih, the aide decamp to general Joab, who in my absence was leading the war against the Ammonites. Bathsheba was Uriah’s wife.

I had no intention of peeping, but as I was overlooking the cityscape of my beautiful Jerusalem, I happened to glance down on Uriah’s rooftop. and saw Bathsheba sunbathing without a stitch of closing on her body. . She was naked. Naked as she day she was born. Embarrassed at first, I looked away, but I was so taken with her beauty that I had to look again. Bathsheba saw me, and did nothing to cover her body. Indeed, she gave me a come hither smile. I was actually struck dumb . Quickly I turned away and returned to my rooms. I confess that I had fantasies about her, but I never had anything to do with her until after I learned that her husband Uriah died a hero’s death in battle during the siege of Rabbah, the capital city of the Ammonites.

Today, in the 21^st century, most biblical scholars, other than the ultra orthodox Jews and born again Christians know that the Bible is not the word of God, and they have pointed out so many inconsistencies, that the book is now regarded by many as literature, or as an historical novel, with tons of good stuff on morality issues. Well, the scholars have a point. From my own experiences, I know there are a lot of mistakes, a lot of misinterpretations, and maybe some outright lying. The Biblical story of my affair with Bathsheba is libelous. I don’t know why authors of the Bible wanted to make me look so bad. Here’s what really happened.

I summoned Joab, my most trusted general, and sought his advice. He told me to follow the doctors’ orders, and that he could lead the army against the Ammonites. And, successfully, he did. Unfortunately, Uriah, one of his lieutenants, and the husband of Bathsheba, was killed in battle.

Now the Bible makes much ado about a letter I asked Uriah to deliver to Joab. The rumor mongers suggested that this letter ordered Joab to send Uriah into a death trap. It’s inconceivable that I would be so foolish to put such an order to writing, or that I would give the letter to the supposed victim. That letter contained my instructions concerning the

battle, and a prayer for victory.

Now the gossips started the rumor that I had an affair with Bathsheba while her husband was fighting heroically against the Ammonites, and that I wanted him killed. This rumor was an utter falsehood. I don’t deny, that while I was walking on my patio roof, I did see Bathsheba sunbathing. Did I lust? Her beautiful and enticing body was completely exposed. Yes, I lusted. After all, though I was a king, I was also a man

When Joab returned to Jerusalem, he reported to me the details of the glorious victory over the Ammonites and the successful siege of Rabbah. He also reported that his army suffered many casualties, including that of his lieutenant Uriah, who was felled with an arrow shot from the wall of the city. It was not until I learned of Uriah’s death, that I invited his widow to my harem, and took her for my wife. I soon found out that she was a conniving woman. Unbeknownst to me, Bathsheba was pregnant with Uriah’s child. The Bible writers claim it was my child. It wasn’t. I did not take Bathsheba to bed until I learned of Uriah’s untimely death. Prior to our marriage, I never had sex with that woman. But the high and mighty Nathan, my rabbi, a man who claimed to know God, pronounced me guilty.

The child was Uriah’s. When the infant died, Nathan and the rumor mongers took pleasure in claiming that this was God’s punishment for my sins. Nathan believed the gossip and he ranted and raved to me about sin and repentance.

Well, Nathan didn’t believe me. Nobody did, and now the Bible, without a trial, convicts me of adultery and perjury. Well, many great men in history have been convicted by rumor, gossip and the media, and their reputations are forever tarnished.

But I overcame. I created a great empire. My son Solomon carried on after me, and built a great temple. In addition, I am reputed to be the ancestor of Jesus, God’s son incarnate, the long awaited messiah. I can’t comment on that: I was long dead before that media event occurred. But if you believe the gossip about Bathsheba and me, I suppose you can believe that story, too.

Again, I want to thank Irwin and BOLLI for this opportunity to set the record straight.

Signed and sealed this 2^nd day of November, 2011

David, King of Israel and JudeaØ

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

What Really Happened

We all know the story of the Three Little Pigs. When the three brothers were old enough to leave home, their mother gave them motherly advice. “Whatever you do, do it the best that you can because that’s the way to get ahead in the world”. She also warned them to be careful. “It’s a zoo out there, and the Big Bad Wolf is nothing but big trouble”. Well, only one of the little pigs followed their mother’s advice.

The first thing they had to do was to build a house, so that they would have a safe place to live. They decided to build their houses next to one another so that they wouldn’t be lonely. The first little pig built his house of straw. The second little pig built his house of sticks. Ah, but the third little pig, remembering what his mother said, built his house of bricks.

The Big Bad Wolf watched and waited, licking his chops as he thought about the nice meals he would have. You remember what happened next. The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and he blew down the straw house and then the stick house. Fortunately, two pigs were able to escape to their brother in the house of bricks.

The Big Bad Wolf was now very angry, and hungry as well, so he followed the two little pig to the brick house The Big Bad Wolf knocked at the door of the house of bricks and said “Let me in or I’ll blow your house down”. The three little pig said “No way. not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins.”

So the Big Bad Wolf took a deep breath and blew. And no matter how hard he huffed and puffed, the Big Bad Wolf couldn’t blow the brick house down. And the three little pigs laughed when the Big Bad Wolf had to lie down and rest from all that huffing and puffing. While the Big Bad Wolf was lying exhausted on the lawn in front of the brick house, the Three Little Pigs dialed 911 and the animal police came within minutes. They corralled the three little pigs and brought them back to the farm where they belonged. When they were nicely fattened, they were brought to The Swift Meat Packing Company, Inc. where the butchers made them into hams, sausages, bacon and pork chops for the dinner table.

And what, you ask, happened to the Big Bad Wolf? He was put on the endangered species list, and had been living happily roaming the woods. Unfortunately, for him, he ran into Little Red Riding Hood. He had his comeuppance when the woodsman saved Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.

And what happened to the woodsman who saved Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother? He was arrested, convicted, fined and sent to jail for killing an animal on the endangered species list.

But that’s not the end of the story. Red Riding Hood’s grandmother was so grateful to the woodsman that she made packages of sweets and fruits for Red Riding Hood to take to the Woodsman every visiting day. Before long, Red Riding Hood and the woodsman fell in love and planned to marry when he got out of jail. But the wedding was not to be.

One day, on the way home from the jail Red Riding Hood met Goldie Locks on the trail and they became good friends. Indeed they became intimate friends. When the woodsman read of their same sex marriage in the BOLLI Bulletin, he became very, very depressed, and while still in jail, he died of a broken heart.

So what is the moral of the story? I don’t know. Stuff Happens.

Irwin Garfinkle

11/12/2011

LITTLE THINGS

LITTLE THINGS

The doll’s arm broke
The child was heartbroken
It was her favorite doll
Sobbing she ran to her mother
Her mother comforter her
And after the flow of tears ebbed
Mother promised
“Daddy will fix your doll
You needn’t cry over little things”
The child thought for a while and asked
“Mommy, what are little things?”
A simple question
No easy answer.

GOLIATH

GOLIATH

Irwin Garinkle March 17, 2011

Everyone knows the story about some shephard boy who killed me with his sling shot. But nobody knows much of anything about me. Well, I am going to set the record straight. I was not a bad guy. I was a good soldier. but the Bible tells the story only from the Israeli’s perspective. Well, here is my side of the story.

I was born in the Philistine city of Gath. Haven’t any idea of why my parents named me Goliath I don’t know of any ancesters with my name. The name Goliath may have Greek origins.

I never learned my exact birth date because my parents couldn’t read and write, but modern acheologists think I must have been born about 1030 BCE.. That’s strictly a guess, based on my encounter with the shepherd boy who later became king of Israel. Bur I’m getting ahead of my story.

My mother had a great deal of troubl birthing me. Although she gave birth to four boys before me, I was the biggest and caused her the most trouble. You see, I weighed over 10 pounds at birth, and my mother was just a little lady, We didn’t have doctors to help her, and Cecairian sections had not yet been invented. Mom almost died, and my Dad considered getting another wife. In those days, Philistine men could have as many wives as they could afford. But, we were poor, so Dad stuck with Mom.

All five of us boys were big and strong. Though I was the youngest, I grew bigger and taller than they. We used to wrestle a lot, and by the time I was 16, I could beat them all, one at a time, of course..

People exaggerate about how big and strong I was. According to the gossip, I was over 10 feet tall. That wasn’t true, but I was well over 6 feet, maybe 6 feet 8 inches. That was especially big in those days, when the average height was around five and a half feet. I was an imposing 295 pounds, not a giant, though some people thought so. The picture of the kid and me does not tell the truth. The kid was bigger, and I was no giant. That picture is Jewish propaganda, and I resent it.

Though most of the people survived as fishermen, and trading, my father was a tenant farmer who worked very hard to raise enough sheep and goats to pay his rent to the landowner, leaving barely enough to feed his family, but we managed. Because we were poor, I never got an education and so I never learned to read or write. Just like my four older brothers, I went to work in the fields when I was 6 years old.

Able bodied boys, no more than 10 years old were conscrited into the Philistine army, which was always at war with some country. My brothers were already in the army when I was conscripted. Today we would be known as “boy soldiers”. The older soldies were really tough guys who’d been through several wars. They gave all of us a hard time. Although life for a young soldier was very unpleasant, the army taught me all I needed to know about killing the enemy. I was 12 years old when I killed my first Israeli soldier. I killed a lot more since then.
Even today, the archeologists don’t know much about the Philistines, but I can tell they had all kinds of training designed to make you into an efficient killer. We studies all the marshall arts. I enjoyed boxing and wresling, archery and spear throwing. I didn’t enjoy the duels between two men in a no-holds-barred fight to the death. I actually had to kill some of my friends. I had to, or I woulf have been killed by them. And that’s how I became the Champion of the Philistines. I was the biggest and best fighter of all. I was very proud of myself.

You got some good rewards for being Champion. For one thing you got to be an officer in the army. Today, that might be considered a warrant officer, a rank of great respect. You got good quarters to live in, lots of good food and wine, and you won’t believe this, a personal trainer to keep me fit. I was always supplied with women slaves who took care of all ones needs. I married one of them, and she gave me two sons. Because I was the Philistine champion, I was able to get them into a school where they graduated with high honors. They later became embassadors to the king and traveled all over the known world. They became gofers for the king, not like me, a gofer for ruffian soldiers.

My wife spent a great deal of time traveling with her sons, and after I died, they arranged for her to settle in Greece, where she lived to a ripe old age.

Now the Israelites were really bothersome to the Philistines.. For years we had many small wars with tnem. The battles always ended with nothing ever being settled. My job during these wars was to protect the backs of the Philistine officers. I didn’t do it alone. I had the help of my four brothers. We did a good job. We never lost an officer, but two of my brothers were seriously wounded by Israeli arrows. You may not believe this, but they got special medical attention from Israeli doctors. Those Israili doctors really know how to deal with these injuries and they actually helped a lot of our guys. After several months in an Israeli medical camp, my brothers were returned to duty in time to face the Israelis once more. Our doctors wouldn’t have helped the enemy like that.

I was in my tent discussing the forthcoming war with Israel when I was summoned to the general’s tent. There must have been 10 big shots in there when I arrived. I was surprised to see Israeli officers among them under a flag of truce. I didn’t know that sometimes opposing armies with different gods had “Battles by Champions”. I was never told that that was one of my jobs. I had always assumed that my champion’s job was to protect the generals, you know, like the secret service protects the American presidents. However, it seems that the Israeli and Philistine generals agreed to do battle by champions.

I, Goliath, was the "champion" of the Philistines. I was given the job of proving that the Philistine gods were greater than the Israeli gods. I didn’t know that battling an Israeli was part of my job description. I didn’t know anything about such traditions. I didn’t know that in the ancient near east, it was common for opposing forces, with different gods, to have "battle by champions." It was the belief that these champions were surrogates for the their respective gods. So, when champions faced one another in battle it was much more than a duel to the death, it was literally viewed as a battle of gods. Well, I was a fighter. I wasn’t religious. But now I was supposed to fight as a god.

The Israelites had never engaged in Battles Of Champions, and apparently they had trouble finding a champion. Twice a day, for 40 days, I showed up on the battle field to challenge the Israeli’s champion. None of the Israelites were willing to face me. They must have been scared stiff because I may have looked like a giant, especially seeing me dressed in armor. I yelled at them. I called them yellow-bellied cowards without backbones. I taunted them with catcalls.

Well, out of nowhere on the 40th appears this runt of a kid, a shepherd boy, no older than my youngest son, and a lot smaller. He wore no armor and had no sword or spear. The whole Israeli army was in battle formation behind him, and the Philistine army was lined up behind me. I couldn’t believe the Israelis would send a boy to do a man’s job.

“What do you think you are doing here”, I shrieked. “Get your butt out of here, I’m a champion. I don’t fight boys”. I took off my helmet, and while I was still trying to get rid of him he suckered me with a sling shot to my head. I went down hard. In a second, the kid was on me, and with my own sword, with my own sword, damn him. he cut off my head. To add insult to injury, he kept my head as a prize for the Israelis.

In retrospect, I have to admit it. That was some kid. Just a shepherd boy, but he had a lot of guts to face me. And he was really smart. Yes, he suckered me, but he won the Battle of Champions for the Israelis. As I understand it, he later succeeded the Israeli King Saul. The kid became King David. Everybody remembers him as a great king. Nobody remembers me, except as a bad guy and ogre. I wasn’t. I was just doing my job. And except for that sneaky kid, I would have been a great Philistine hero.