This is a sequel to the Three Little Pigs. I've taken the liberty of resurecting the Woodsman.
THE
THREE LITTLE PIGS and Robin Hood
What Really Happened
We
all know the story of the Three Little Pigs.
When the three brothers were old enough to leave home, their mother gave
them motherly advice. “Whatever you do,
do it the best that you can because that’s the way to get ahead in the
world”. She also warned them to be
careful. “It’s a zoo out there, and the
Big Bad Wolf is nothing but big trouble”. Well, only one of the little pigs followed
their mother’s advice.
The
first thing they had to do was to build a house, so that they would have a safe
place to live. They decided to build
their houses next to one another so that they wouldn’t be lonely. The first little pig built his house of
straw. The second little pig built his
house of sticks. Ah, but the third
little pig, remembering what his mother said, built his house of bricks.
The
Big Bad Wolf watched and waited, licking his chops as he thought about the nice
meals he would have. You remember what
happened next. The Big Bad Wolf huffed
and puffed and he blew down the straw house and then the stick house. Fortunately, two pigs were able to escape to
their brother in the house of bricks.
The
Big Bad Wolf was now very angry, and hungry as well, so he followed the two
little pig to the brick house The Big
Bad Wolf knocked at the door of the house of bricks and said “Let me in or I’ll
blow your house down”. The three little
pig said “No way. not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins.”
So
the Big Bad Wolf took a deep breath and blew.
And no matter how hard he huffed and puffed, the Big Bad Wolf couldn’t
blow the brick house down. And the three
little pigs laughed when the Big Bad Wolf had to lie down and rest from all
that huffing and puffing. While the Big Bad Wolf was lying exhausted on the
lawn in front of the brick house, the Three Little Pigs dialed 911 and the
animal police came within minutes. They
corralled the three little pigs and brought them back to the farm where they
belonged. When they were nicely
fattened, they were brought to The Swift Meat Packing Company, Inc. where the
butchers made them into hams, sausages, bacon and pork chops for the dinner
table.
And what, you ask, happened to the Big Bad Wolf? He was put on the endangered species list,
and had been living happily roaming the woods.
Unfortunately, for him, he ran into Little Red Riding Hood. He had his comeuppance when the woodsman
saved Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.
And
what happened to the woodsman who saved Little Red Riding Hood and her
grandmother? He was arrested, convicted,
fined and sent to jail for killing an animal on the endangered species list.
But
that’s not the end of the story. Red
Riding Hood’s grandmother was so grateful to the woodsman that she made
packages of sweets and fruits for Red Riding Hood to take to the Woodsman every
visiting day. Before long, Red Riding
Hood and the woodsman fell in love and planned to marry when he got out of
jail. But the wedding was not to be.
One
day, on the way home from the jail Red Riding Hood met Goldie Locks on the
trail and they became good friends.
Indeed they became intimate friends.
When the woodsman read of their same sex marriage in the BOLLI Bulletin,
he became very, very depressed, but with the help of the prison psychiatrist he
felt much better.
When
he got out of jail he decided to pay a visit to Grandma to thank her for the
care packages that Red Riding Hood brought to him. When he arrived at the cottage he knocked at
the door, and was admitted by a man he had not met before. “Robin, who is at the door?” called Grandma
from her bedroom. She was still
recovering from her ordeal with the Big Bad Wolf, and spent most of her days
resting in bed.
“It
is I, Grandma, the Woody Woodsman who saved you and Red Riding Hood from the
Big Bad Wolf” answered the Woodsman,
“Oh,
Robin, show the nice man in. Robin, this
is the Woody Woodsman who saved Riding Hood and me. And Woody, this is Riding Hood’s father, my
son, Robin Hood.”
“I
heard all about you while I was in jail.
The sheriff has spent a great deal of time trying to capture you. He is offering a big reward. The sheriff says
you rob the rich, but don’t give any of the loot to the poor. He says you are as corrupt as a politician”,
said the Woody, “but none of us believe what the sheriff said”.
“Well”.
said Robin, “you know there are expenses.
My merry men have to be paid, and the cost of arrows is now almost
prohibitive, and Maid Marion does require expensive entertaining, so it’s true
that the poor don’t get all of the proceeds, but a few of my best poor friends
do benefit.”
“Yes,
I understand”, said the Woodsman.
“My
mother says you swing a mighty axe, and that you handily offed the Big Bad
Wolf. I could use an axe man in my
group. With your criminal record, you
may find it hard to get a job, especially in this recession economy. Would you care to join my group of Merry
Men?’ Robin asked. The pay is pretty
good, and I know you will fit in with the rest of the rascals. What do you say?
“I’m
not sure Robin. I’ve never been an
outlaw. I killed the wolf only to save
Red Riding Hood and your mother. It was
justifiable homicide, but those liberal judges on the court care more about a
mean animal on the endangered species list, that about a do good citizen. I hear that the wolf had blown down two
houses and tried to blow down a third, but it was made of bricks and he
couldn’t do it. Then he attacked your
mother and Red Riding Hood.”
“Speaking
of Red Riding Hood”, Robin interrupted, “I know she broke your heart, and I am
very upset about my daughter having a wife.
That’s weird. Neither she nor
Goldilocks will be welcomed by my Merry Men.”
“Oh, Robin”, broke in Grandmad Hood, Red Riding
Hood is you daughter and my only granddaughter.
She and Golfilocks will always be welcome in my home.
