TWO PLAYFUL STORIES

I have been taking a course at Brandeis BOLLI on Playful writing. The following are 2 pieces I have recently completed. I hope you like them.

THE STORY OF DAVID AND BATHSHEBA

As told by David in his own words

In my time, there was no CNN or Fox news to report rumors and gossip 24/7 .In my day, gossip was initiated by busy bodies, and spread by word of mouth from generation to generation. Then, hundreds of years later these rumors and gossip were written down by some zealous religious men. They did a great job. The book they wrote is still a best seller. It’s called the Bible. For some people, the Bible is the sacred word of God, and every word is believed as gospel. However, these men had no idea of what really happened.

The fact is, I have been vilified in the Bible. Unfortunately, I was long dead when the Bible was written, and I never had the chance to tell my side of the story. I thank Irwin Garfinkle and BOLLI, (the Brandeis Osher Lifelong Institut for this opportunity.

I was king of Israel. According to the Bible stories, my Israeli army was busy fighting the Ammonites. That was true. We were often at war with them. When a country is at war, the writers of the Bible noted that the king was supposed to be leading the troops in battle, and they faulted me for not having done so. But the writers, based on gossip, speculated on the reasons why I was not with my troops: they speculated that I was having an affair with Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah.

What the gossips and rumor mongers didn’t know, was that I was bedridden for several days. I ached all over. I had chills and nausea. I vomited all my meals. If anyone had consulted my attendants or my physicians they would have learned that I was in no condition to lead my army in battle. Or for that matter, I was in no condition to carry on a sexual affair with the wife of one of my loyal officers. But the Gossips didn’t ask.

I actually thought I was going to die, but after several miserable days I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed. I wanted to stretch my legs and get a breath of fresh air, so I walked up to the patio on my rooftop, which overlooks the city of Jerusalem. It also happened to overlook the roof of the house next door to mine, a house owned by Uraih, the aide decamp to general Joab, who in my absence was leading the war against the Ammonites. Bathsheba was Uriah’s wife.

I had no intention of peeping, but as I was overlooking the cityscape of my beautiful Jerusalem, I happened to glance down on Uriah’s rooftop. and saw Bathsheba sunbathing without a stitch of closing on her body. . She was naked. Naked as she day she was born. Embarrassed at first, I looked away, but I was so taken with her beauty that I had to look again. Bathsheba saw me, and did nothing to cover her body. Indeed, she gave me a come hither smile. I was actually struck dumb . Quickly I turned away and returned to my rooms. I confess that I had fantasies about her, but I never had anything to do with her until after I learned that her husband Uriah died a hero’s death in battle during the siege of Rabbah, the capital city of the Ammonites.

Today, in the 21^st century, most biblical scholars, other than the ultra orthodox Jews and born again Christians know that the Bible is not the word of God, and they have pointed out so many inconsistencies, that the book is now regarded by many as literature, or as an historical novel, with tons of good stuff on morality issues. Well, the scholars have a point. From my own experiences, I know there are a lot of mistakes, a lot of misinterpretations, and maybe some outright lying. The Biblical story of my affair with Bathsheba is libelous. I don’t know why authors of the Bible wanted to make me look so bad. Here’s what really happened.

I summoned Joab, my most trusted general, and sought his advice. He told me to follow the doctors’ orders, and that he could lead the army against the Ammonites. And, successfully, he did. Unfortunately, Uriah, one of his lieutenants, and the husband of Bathsheba, was killed in battle.

Now the Bible makes much ado about a letter I asked Uriah to deliver to Joab. The rumor mongers suggested that this letter ordered Joab to send Uriah into a death trap. It’s inconceivable that I would be so foolish to put such an order to writing, or that I would give the letter to the supposed victim. That letter contained my instructions concerning the

battle, and a prayer for victory.

Now the gossips started the rumor that I had an affair with Bathsheba while her husband was fighting heroically against the Ammonites, and that I wanted him killed. This rumor was an utter falsehood. I don’t deny, that while I was walking on my patio roof, I did see Bathsheba sunbathing. Did I lust? Her beautiful and enticing body was completely exposed. Yes, I lusted. After all, though I was a king, I was also a man

When Joab returned to Jerusalem, he reported to me the details of the glorious victory over the Ammonites and the successful siege of Rabbah. He also reported that his army suffered many casualties, including that of his lieutenant Uriah, who was felled with an arrow shot from the wall of the city. It was not until I learned of Uriah’s death, that I invited his widow to my harem, and took her for my wife. I soon found out that she was a conniving woman. Unbeknownst to me, Bathsheba was pregnant with Uriah’s child. The Bible writers claim it was my child. It wasn’t. I did not take Bathsheba to bed until I learned of Uriah’s untimely death. Prior to our marriage, I never had sex with that woman. But the high and mighty Nathan, my rabbi, a man who claimed to know God, pronounced me guilty.

The child was Uriah’s. When the infant died, Nathan and the rumor mongers took pleasure in claiming that this was God’s punishment for my sins. Nathan believed the gossip and he ranted and raved to me about sin and repentance.

Well, Nathan didn’t believe me. Nobody did, and now the Bible, without a trial, convicts me of adultery and perjury. Well, many great men in history have been convicted by rumor, gossip and the media, and their reputations are forever tarnished.

But I overcame. I created a great empire. My son Solomon carried on after me, and built a great temple. In addition, I am reputed to be the ancestor of Jesus, God’s son incarnate, the long awaited messiah. I can’t comment on that: I was long dead before that media event occurred. But if you believe the gossip about Bathsheba and me, I suppose you can believe that story, too.

Again, I want to thank Irwin and BOLLI for this opportunity to set the record straight.

Signed and sealed this 2^nd day of November, 2011

David, King of Israel and JudeaØ

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

What Really Happened

We all know the story of the Three Little Pigs. When the three brothers were old enough to leave home, their mother gave them motherly advice. “Whatever you do, do it the best that you can because that’s the way to get ahead in the world”. She also warned them to be careful. “It’s a zoo out there, and the Big Bad Wolf is nothing but big trouble”. Well, only one of the little pigs followed their mother’s advice.

The first thing they had to do was to build a house, so that they would have a safe place to live. They decided to build their houses next to one another so that they wouldn’t be lonely. The first little pig built his house of straw. The second little pig built his house of sticks. Ah, but the third little pig, remembering what his mother said, built his house of bricks.

The Big Bad Wolf watched and waited, licking his chops as he thought about the nice meals he would have. You remember what happened next. The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and he blew down the straw house and then the stick house. Fortunately, two pigs were able to escape to their brother in the house of bricks.

The Big Bad Wolf was now very angry, and hungry as well, so he followed the two little pig to the brick house The Big Bad Wolf knocked at the door of the house of bricks and said “Let me in or I’ll blow your house down”. The three little pig said “No way. not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins.”

So the Big Bad Wolf took a deep breath and blew. And no matter how hard he huffed and puffed, the Big Bad Wolf couldn’t blow the brick house down. And the three little pigs laughed when the Big Bad Wolf had to lie down and rest from all that huffing and puffing. While the Big Bad Wolf was lying exhausted on the lawn in front of the brick house, the Three Little Pigs dialed 911 and the animal police came within minutes. They corralled the three little pigs and brought them back to the farm where they belonged. When they were nicely fattened, they were brought to The Swift Meat Packing Company, Inc. where the butchers made them into hams, sausages, bacon and pork chops for the dinner table.

And what, you ask, happened to the Big Bad Wolf? He was put on the endangered species list, and had been living happily roaming the woods. Unfortunately, for him, he ran into Little Red Riding Hood. He had his comeuppance when the woodsman saved Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.

And what happened to the woodsman who saved Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother? He was arrested, convicted, fined and sent to jail for killing an animal on the endangered species list.

But that’s not the end of the story. Red Riding Hood’s grandmother was so grateful to the woodsman that she made packages of sweets and fruits for Red Riding Hood to take to the Woodsman every visiting day. Before long, Red Riding Hood and the woodsman fell in love and planned to marry when he got out of jail. But the wedding was not to be.

One day, on the way home from the jail Red Riding Hood met Goldie Locks on the trail and they became good friends. Indeed they became intimate friends. When the woodsman read of their same sex marriage in the BOLLI Bulletin, he became very, very depressed, and while still in jail, he died of a broken heart.

So what is the moral of the story? I don’t know. Stuff Happens.

Irwin Garfinkle

11/12/2011

LITTLE THINGS

LITTLE THINGS

The doll’s arm broke
The child was heartbroken
It was her favorite doll
Sobbing she ran to her mother
Her mother comforter her
And after the flow of tears ebbed
Mother promised
“Daddy will fix your doll
You needn’t cry over little things”
The child thought for a while and asked
“Mommy, what are little things?”
A simple question
No easy answer.

GOLIATH

GOLIATH

Irwin Garinkle March 17, 2011

Everyone knows the story about some shephard boy who killed me with his sling shot. But nobody knows much of anything about me. Well, I am going to set the record straight. I was not a bad guy. I was a good soldier. but the Bible tells the story only from the Israeli’s perspective. Well, here is my side of the story.

I was born in the Philistine city of Gath. Haven’t any idea of why my parents named me Goliath I don’t know of any ancesters with my name. The name Goliath may have Greek origins.

I never learned my exact birth date because my parents couldn’t read and write, but modern acheologists think I must have been born about 1030 BCE.. That’s strictly a guess, based on my encounter with the shepherd boy who later became king of Israel. Bur I’m getting ahead of my story.

My mother had a great deal of troubl birthing me. Although she gave birth to four boys before me, I was the biggest and caused her the most trouble. You see, I weighed over 10 pounds at birth, and my mother was just a little lady, We didn’t have doctors to help her, and Cecairian sections had not yet been invented. Mom almost died, and my Dad considered getting another wife. In those days, Philistine men could have as many wives as they could afford. But, we were poor, so Dad stuck with Mom.

All five of us boys were big and strong. Though I was the youngest, I grew bigger and taller than they. We used to wrestle a lot, and by the time I was 16, I could beat them all, one at a time, of course..

People exaggerate about how big and strong I was. According to the gossip, I was over 10 feet tall. That wasn’t true, but I was well over 6 feet, maybe 6 feet 8 inches. That was especially big in those days, when the average height was around five and a half feet. I was an imposing 295 pounds, not a giant, though some people thought so. The picture of the kid and me does not tell the truth. The kid was bigger, and I was no giant. That picture is Jewish propaganda, and I resent it.

Though most of the people survived as fishermen, and trading, my father was a tenant farmer who worked very hard to raise enough sheep and goats to pay his rent to the landowner, leaving barely enough to feed his family, but we managed. Because we were poor, I never got an education and so I never learned to read or write. Just like my four older brothers, I went to work in the fields when I was 6 years old.

Able bodied boys, no more than 10 years old were conscrited into the Philistine army, which was always at war with some country. My brothers were already in the army when I was conscripted. Today we would be known as “boy soldiers”. The older soldies were really tough guys who’d been through several wars. They gave all of us a hard time. Although life for a young soldier was very unpleasant, the army taught me all I needed to know about killing the enemy. I was 12 years old when I killed my first Israeli soldier. I killed a lot more since then.
Even today, the archeologists don’t know much about the Philistines, but I can tell they had all kinds of training designed to make you into an efficient killer. We studies all the marshall arts. I enjoyed boxing and wresling, archery and spear throwing. I didn’t enjoy the duels between two men in a no-holds-barred fight to the death. I actually had to kill some of my friends. I had to, or I woulf have been killed by them. And that’s how I became the Champion of the Philistines. I was the biggest and best fighter of all. I was very proud of myself.

You got some good rewards for being Champion. For one thing you got to be an officer in the army. Today, that might be considered a warrant officer, a rank of great respect. You got good quarters to live in, lots of good food and wine, and you won’t believe this, a personal trainer to keep me fit. I was always supplied with women slaves who took care of all ones needs. I married one of them, and she gave me two sons. Because I was the Philistine champion, I was able to get them into a school where they graduated with high honors. They later became embassadors to the king and traveled all over the known world. They became gofers for the king, not like me, a gofer for ruffian soldiers.

My wife spent a great deal of time traveling with her sons, and after I died, they arranged for her to settle in Greece, where she lived to a ripe old age.

Now the Israelites were really bothersome to the Philistines.. For years we had many small wars with tnem. The battles always ended with nothing ever being settled. My job during these wars was to protect the backs of the Philistine officers. I didn’t do it alone. I had the help of my four brothers. We did a good job. We never lost an officer, but two of my brothers were seriously wounded by Israeli arrows. You may not believe this, but they got special medical attention from Israeli doctors. Those Israili doctors really know how to deal with these injuries and they actually helped a lot of our guys. After several months in an Israeli medical camp, my brothers were returned to duty in time to face the Israelis once more. Our doctors wouldn’t have helped the enemy like that.

I was in my tent discussing the forthcoming war with Israel when I was summoned to the general’s tent. There must have been 10 big shots in there when I arrived. I was surprised to see Israeli officers among them under a flag of truce. I didn’t know that sometimes opposing armies with different gods had “Battles by Champions”. I was never told that that was one of my jobs. I had always assumed that my champion’s job was to protect the generals, you know, like the secret service protects the American presidents. However, it seems that the Israeli and Philistine generals agreed to do battle by champions.

I, Goliath, was the "champion" of the Philistines. I was given the job of proving that the Philistine gods were greater than the Israeli gods. I didn’t know that battling an Israeli was part of my job description. I didn’t know anything about such traditions. I didn’t know that in the ancient near east, it was common for opposing forces, with different gods, to have "battle by champions." It was the belief that these champions were surrogates for the their respective gods. So, when champions faced one another in battle it was much more than a duel to the death, it was literally viewed as a battle of gods. Well, I was a fighter. I wasn’t religious. But now I was supposed to fight as a god.

The Israelites had never engaged in Battles Of Champions, and apparently they had trouble finding a champion. Twice a day, for 40 days, I showed up on the battle field to challenge the Israeli’s champion. None of the Israelites were willing to face me. They must have been scared stiff because I may have looked like a giant, especially seeing me dressed in armor. I yelled at them. I called them yellow-bellied cowards without backbones. I taunted them with catcalls.

Well, out of nowhere on the 40th appears this runt of a kid, a shepherd boy, no older than my youngest son, and a lot smaller. He wore no armor and had no sword or spear. The whole Israeli army was in battle formation behind him, and the Philistine army was lined up behind me. I couldn’t believe the Israelis would send a boy to do a man’s job.

“What do you think you are doing here”, I shrieked. “Get your butt out of here, I’m a champion. I don’t fight boys”. I took off my helmet, and while I was still trying to get rid of him he suckered me with a sling shot to my head. I went down hard. In a second, the kid was on me, and with my own sword, with my own sword, damn him. he cut off my head. To add insult to injury, he kept my head as a prize for the Israelis.

In retrospect, I have to admit it. That was some kid. Just a shepherd boy, but he had a lot of guts to face me. And he was really smart. Yes, he suckered me, but he won the Battle of Champions for the Israelis. As I understand it, he later succeeded the Israeli King Saul. The kid became King David. Everybody remembers him as a great king. Nobody remembers me, except as a bad guy and ogre. I wasn’t. I was just doing my job. And except for that sneaky kid, I would have been a great Philistine hero.