AN EPIC ADVENTURE
This is a rewrite of an earlier post about the three little pigs.
We
all know the story of the Three Little Pigs.
When the three brothers were old enough to leave home, their mother gave
them motherly advice. “Whatever you do,
do it the best that you can because that’s the way to get ahead in the world”. She also warned them to be careful. “It’s a zoo out there, and the Big Bad Wolf
is nothing but big trouble”. Well, only one of the little pigs followed their
mother’s advice.
The
first thing they had to do was to build a house, so that they would have a safe
place to live. They decided to build
their houses next to one another so that they wouldn’t be lonely. The first little pig built his house of
straw. The second little pig built his
house of sticks. Ah, but the third
little pig, remembering what his mother said, built his house of bricks.
The
Big Bad Wolf watched and waited, licking his chops as he thought about the nice
meals he would have. You remember what
happened next. The Big Bad Wolf huffed
and puffed and he blew down the straw house and then the stick house. Fortunately, two pigs were able to escape to
their brother in the house of bricks.
The
Big Bad Wolf was now very angry and hungry as well, so he followed the two
little pigs to the brick house The Big
Bad Wolf knocked at the door of the house of bricks and said “Let me in or I’ll
blow your house down”. The three little
pig said “No way. Jose, not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins.”
So
the Big Bad Wolf took a deep breath and blew.
And no matter how hard he huffed and puffed, the Big Bad Wolf couldn’t
blow the brick house down. And the three
little pigs laughed when the Big Bad Wolf had to lie down and rest from all
that huffing and puffing. While the Big Bad Wolf was lying exhausted on the
lawn in front of the brick house, the Three Little Pigs dialed 911 and the
animal police came within minutes. They
corralled the three little pigs and brought them back to the farm where they
belonged. When they were nicely
fattened, they were brought to The Swift Meat Packing Company, Inc. where the
butchers made them into hams, sausages, bacon and pork chops for the dinner
table.
And what, you ask, happened to the Big Bad Wolf? He was put on the endangered species list,
and had been living happily roaming and raising havoc in the woods. Unfortunately, for him, he ran into Little
Red Riding Hood. He had his comeuppance
when the Woody Woodsman saved Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.
And
what happened to Woody Woodsman who saved Little Red Riding Hood and her
grandmother? He was arrested, convicted,
fined and sent to jail for killing an animal on the endangered species list.
But
that’s not the end of the story. Red
Riding Hood’s
grandmother
was so grateful to the Woody that she made packages of sweets and fruits for
Red Riding Hood to take to him every visiting day. Before long, Red Riding Hood and Woody fell
in love and planned to marry when he got out of jail. But the wedding was not to be.
One
day, on the way home from the jail Red Riding Hood met Goldie Locks on the
trail and they became good friends.
Indeed they became intimate friends.
When their same sex marriage was reported in the Boston Globe and the BOLLI
Bulletin, he was very upset.
When
Woody got out of jail he went to pay a visit to Grandma to thank her for the
care packages that Red Riding Hood brought to him. When he arrived at the cottage he knocked at
the door, and was admitted by a man he had not met before. “Robin, who is at the door?” called Grandma
from her bedroom. She was still
recovering from her ordeal with the Big Bad Wolf, and spent most of her days
resting in bed.
“It
is I, Grandma, Woody Woodsman who saved you and Red Riding Hood from the Big
Bad Wolf” answered the Woodsman,
“Oh,
Robin, show the nice man in. Robin, this
is the Woody Woodsman who saved Riding Hood and me. And Woody, this is Riding Hood’s father, my
son, Robin Hood.”
“I
heard about you while I was in jail. I
heard that the sheriff has spent a great deal of time trying to capture
you. He is offering a big reward. The
sheriff says you rob the rich, but don’t give any of the loot to the poor. He says you are as corrupt as a politician”,
said Woody, “but none of us believed what the sheriff said. We figured he was
the most corrupt politician of all”.
“Well”.
said Robin, “there’s some truth in what you might have heard in jail. You know
there are expenses. My merry men have to
be paid, and the cost of arrows is now almost prohibitive, and Maid Marion does
require expensive entertaining, so it’s true that the poor don’t get all of the
proceeds, but a few of my best poor friends do benefit.”
“Yes,
I understand”, said Woody.
“My
mother says you swing a mighty axe, and that you handily offed the Big Bad
Wolf. I could use an axe man in my
group. With your criminal record, you
may find it hard to get a job, especially in this recession economy. Would you care to join my group of Merry
Men?’ Robin asked. “The pay is pretty
good, and I know you will fit in with the rest of the rascals. What do you say?”
“I’m
not sure Robin. I’ve never been an
outlaw. I killed the wolf only to save
Red Riding Hood and your mother. It was
justifiable homicide, but those liberal judges on the court care more about a
mean animal on the endangered species list, that about a do good citizen. I heard that the wolf had blown down two
houses and tried to blow down a third, but it was made of bricks and he
couldn’t do it. Then he attacked your
mother and Red Riding Hood.”
“Speaking
of Red Riding Hood”, Robin interrupted, “I know she broke your heart, and I am
very upset about my daughter having a wife.
That’s weird. Neither she nor
Goldilocks will be welcomed by my Merry Men.”
“Oh,
Robin”, broke in Grandma Hood, Red Riding Hood is your only daughter and my
only granddaughter. She and Goldilocks
will always be welcome in my home.
“Enough
talk of my mixed up daughter. I hope she
and Goldilocks will be happy. But how
about you Woody”. Robin asked, “would you like to try out a week or two with my
Merry Men to see if you like the outlaw life?”
“Okay
Robin, I’ll try it for a week or two.”
Grandma
Hood made a nice dinner of lamb chops, potatoes and a tossed salad for Robin
and Woody. After dinner, Robin and Woody
road off, Woody sitting behind Robin on Robin’s magnificent steed (Woody had no
horse of his own), and they headed for Sherwood Forrest, where the Merry Men
were camping.
When
they approached the camp, they were greeted by Friar Tuck and Little John. Friar Tuck had been a religious Christian all
his life, but when he joined Robin and the Merry Men, he converted. He became a Born Again atheist, but he still
wore his church robes, and the Merry Men still called him Friar. Little John was not little. He was huge.
Robin introduced Woody to Friar Tuck and Little John, and they entered
the camp where all the Merry Men were acting very merry. Yes, they were rollicking and frolicking all
around the camp with the Merry Girls who were the rollicking and frolicking
local camp followers. It was all very
spirited, merry and gay. A very good
time was being had by all.
“Robin”,
said Tuck, “y’all be happy to know that Maid Marion is in camp, and she brought
with her your daughter and another girl, a pretty blond, blue eyed damsel
called Goldilocks. She’s really pretty
as a button” Then pointing into the camp, Tuck called out, “There they are
rollicking and frolicking and having a gay old time near the camp fire where
the pig with the apple in its mouth is being roasted for tonight’s dinner.”
Robin
was furious. “I don’t want my daughter or
her dyke in my camp. Tuck, tell ‘em to
get outta here now.”
“But
Robin ….”
“I
said NOW”, Robin ordered.
Tuck,
who always follows orders interrupted the girls rollicking and frolicking and
told them what Robin ordered. Well, they
weren’t very happy about that, but Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks agreed to
go. But Maid Marion said, “You tell
Robin that if Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks go, I’m going with them”.
Tuck
reported the situation to Robin who thought, “What a revolting situation this
is. Maid Marion is my beloved
affianced. I don’t want to lose
her. Yet I can’t tolerate my daughter
living with the dyke”. Then he
questioned Tuck, “Tuck, my daughter was supposed to marry Woody and she ditched
him for that bitch of a dyke. If I don’t
condone what she has done, I may lose my love, Maid Marion. What shall I do?”
“That
is a dilemma”, tuck answered. “Have you talked to your mother about this”?
“Yes,
she’s says Red Riding is my daughter, and I should love her no matter
what. But marrying that dyke, Goldilocks.
is just too much. I never thought much
of her, the way she treated the three bears and never apologized”.
“Well,
Robin”, Tuck asked, “what shall I tell them?
Shall I have someone take them home?”
“No. Let them stay for dinner while I think about
it”.
When
Tuck told the three girls to stay for dinner, Maid Marion came over to Robin
and thanked him for his thoughtfulness.
She also tried to convince Robin to accept Red Riding and Goldilocks for
what they are. “After all, Robin, this
isn’t the 15th century any more.
You have to get with it.”
Pointing to Woody, she asked, “And who is this handsome hunk?”
Robin
told her the story of how Woody saved Grandma Hood and Red Riding, and how Red
Riding and Woody were planning to marry, “until that bitch, Goldilocks”,
seduced his only daughter.
“Oh,
Robin, Goldilocks is a nice girl.
Lesbians aren’t bad people. Red
Riding and Goldilocks love one another.
They can’t help being what they are.
You’ve got to understand.”
“Well,
I don’t understand, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it. Woody, can you take Maid Marion home? I have to stay here and talk to Red Riding
and Goldilocks.”
“Of
course, Robin, I’d be delighted”, agreed Woody.
When
Woody and Maid Marion arrived at her home, Woody walked her to the front door
and when he said goodnight and turned to leave, Maid Marion asked if he’d like
to come in for a night cap. “I’d like
to, but I’m not sure Robin would approve”.
“Oh
Robin won’t mind, it’s only a nightcap, and besides Robin doesn’t own me
yet. C’mon in”. She took him by the hand and led him into her
parlor. They had a nightcap, and then
another, and then another, and one thing led to another. They were in love.
Robin
was upset when he learned that Woody and Main Marion were betrothed, but he
said “What is, is, and what will be, will be” and wished the couple well. In the meantime, the sheriff of Notingham
resigned as the result of a Ponzi scandal. He moved to Switzerland where he had
stashed his ill begotten gains. He managed to live quite comfortably. Woody was
elected as the new sheriff.
In
America, Wyatt Earp had resigned as U. S. marshall, and Robin was emailed an
offer he couldn’t refuse, the job of U.S. Marshall. He promptly emailed his acceptance, left
Nottingham and sailed to America. He
took the Acela train to Tombstone, where he took over Wyatt Earp’s job. Since
Wyatt had cleaned up Tombstone, and Pat Garret shot Billy the Kid, there wasn’t
very much for Robin to do but rollick and frolic with the girls in the Tombstone
saloons. He was a very happy bachelor.
All
things considered, everything worked out well.
Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks are happy together. Woody and Maid Marion are happily married,
and a child is on the way. The Merry Men are Woody’s deputies, and Robin has a
great job in Tombstone.
And
so it can be said (except for the three Little pigs and the Big Bad Wolf), everyone
lived happily ever after. And isn’t that
just the way a fairy tale should end?
